


The Tower of Psychobable*

by perniciousLizard



Series: Mertaur [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Centaurs, M/M, Merpeople
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-01
Updated: 2014-02-01
Packaged: 2018-01-10 18:23:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1163004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perniciousLizard/pseuds/perniciousLizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The constant magic storms prevent Eridan from returning to his home.  He and Equius decide to confront the problem at its source, rather than spend any more time together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The sky was clear, for the first time in days, without a single cloud or endless rain of frogs to keep Equius from going out and practicing. The mer who insisted he was a prince insisted that he be brought along. He sat propped up against a rock, gnawing the leg off of a dead frog, and occasionally dipping his fingers into a bucket of seawater and damping down his tail.

“Okay, just listen for a second. How about you try shootin' a little less hard? Like, and not break the bow, is my suggestion.” His wisdom exposed to the world, Eridan tore off another leg with his vicious shark teeth.

Equius’ gloved hand shook. Sarcasm was beneath him, he repeated internally. He did not need to lower himself by acting overly surprised by Eridan’s useless suggestion. He decided to not say anything at all.

He drew back, as gently as possible, and the bow snapped in his hands. He flung it down, even more frustrated than usual now that he had an audience.

“If that was you bein' gentle, I don‘t want to see what your first girlfriend looks like these days,” Eridan commented.

“Shut your mouth,” Equius said, throwing the bow halves onto the sand.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, you want one a these frogs? I only like the legs.”

“I don’t eat meat,” Equius said, briefly thrown by the topic shift.

“Bleah,” Eridan stuck out his tongue, “I was startin' to wonder. I’m not goin' to knock the occasional salad--maybe a bed a seaweed under some dolphin steaks--but as much crap as you eat, I’d probably die.”

“Do you ever shut up?” Equius asked. “Your nonstop chatter is getting on my last nerve. Of course you don’t eat vegetables. Your people are primarily carnivores. You actually would die if you only ate what I ate.” He pressed the palm of his hand to his face and slowly dragged down, groaning. “Your ignorance of your own species astounds me.”

“This comin' from a guy who didn’t know if I had ribs,” Eridan said, affronted.

“No. The equivalent would be if I didn’t know I had ribs. This is not a difficult concept.”

Eridan grabbed the bucket of water with his one good arm and dumped it all over his tail. “Take me back inside. If you’re just goin' to call me ignorant and not practice, I might as well get my delicate frame outta this sun.”

Equius was aghast. “You insulted me! And you--” he cut himself off and took a deep breath. Despite Eridan’s many claims of “delicacy,” he was actually healing far faster than Equius had ever seen before. It would only be a few more days until he swam out of Equius' life forever, and he could get back to his pointless and lonely practices.

“Oh, hey, yeah I did,” Eridan said, “But I was just doin' that coach thing, you know, where you tell someone they’re shit so much they get all determined to prove you wrong. It’s basic strategy, there, Eq. I’m takin' this seriously.”

“No. You aren’t,” Equius said.

“Whatever, just shoot another one a your endless supply a bows. You know, maybe that’s the problem. You need one that’s made a little stronger than normal, right?”

Equius trotted over and dropped one of his bows on the ground next to Eridan. “Try to bend it.”

Eridan frowned. “This is where I find out it’s already made a iron or whatever, right?” He tried to bend it with one hand, but nothing happened. It didn’t even budge. “Maybe get a sea witch to enchant it, make it unbreakable, I don’t know.”

“Yet more useless advice,” Equius said, walking back over to his pile of unbroken bows. “I might as well have them enchant for me a bow that shoots itself.”

“That’d save you a lot of time, you have to admit,” Eridan said. “But let me guess--this shootin' thing isn’t just about shootin', is it? So you’d just be goin to buy a cake and turn it in to your bakin' master. The cake’s not the point.”

“Something like that.” He picked up a bow, and somehow managed to snap it before he even got it into position. He stared at the broken pieces, his face turning a darker and darker shade of blue.

“Woah, shit.”

His grip tightened, and he marched over to the tree with the target on it. He drew his fist back, veins popping out on his bulging bicep.

“Uh, Eq--” Eridan was looking up at the sky.

“That. Is. Not. My----”

A clap of thunder interrupted his tantrum. They both looked up in time to see lightning finish tracing a path across a bright blue sky. It was only a few seconds later that there was more thunder, and Eridan was already struggling back towards Equius’ hut.

Equius didn’t bother to waste time. He hurried past Eridan, picking up his indignant, shrieking body and rushing them both inside. Half a minute after the first rumbling of thunder, the still blue sky was pouring down rain, or something like rain.

Eridan yelped when he was dropped. “You just about rebroke my ribs, you ass,” he rubbed his tail. “Not droppin' me, just pickin' me up with whatever you’ve got instead of a normal hand.”

The stables shook, boards in front of the windows rattling. Equius looked down and realized he was still carrying his broken bow. Fudgenickles.

“It’s like you’re a statue made outta stone and I don’t know, muscle,” Eridan curled up against the wall, looking around. His bright purple eyes were wide open. “I don’t like this, Eq. We can’t go ten minutes without one a these storms.”

“The sea witches and the human wizards have gone out of control,” Equius said, moving away from the window, “That is their nature.”

“Sure, but this is ridiculous. I’m never goin' to be able to get back if this keeps up, and I’m goin' to smell like horse permanent like and I’m already sick enough from it as it is.”

“That is easily rectified. If you are displeased with my hospitality, leave.” He settled down on a pile of hay near where the mer was still checking himself for injuries. “Did I actually reinjure you? I assumed you were whining.”

“If I was whinin' I had every reason to! I’m goin' to get a bruise here!” he pointed to the spot right above where the scales of his tail met what Equius thought of as normal flesh.

Equius made a dismissive gesture. He had accidentally damaged others far worse than that. It was almost impressive, how hardy the sea folk were. Or at least this particular specimen. “You will stop your whining. I will leave you out in the storm, next time.”

The ground under the stable was shaking, now, and Eridan drew his tail up against his chest, protective. “Not sure you did me many favors, if’n this roof comes down on our heads.”

“The shelter was built strong. There is no need to concern yourself.”

“Yeah, but stronger than a witch? I’m not buyin' it.” He put his hand on the wall behind him, trying to hold himself steady.

Equius didn’t say anything. He frowned and examined his shelter. He felt absolutely helpless, buffeted about by powers far greater than his own. He shuddered.

Sweet smelling purple rain began to leak through the roof before the storm was over. No matter how many times Equius repaired it, water somehow always managed to find a path through and pool on the floor. Eridan caught some of the liquid in a metal cup and sampled it, against Equius’ order. He said it tasted like wine and dirt. It made him fall asleep, but there seemed to be no other ill effect.

When Equius went outside, it was still drizzling. He covered his nose and mouth with a towel to avoid breathing in the dizzy-making fumes. The beach was a mess, and the ocean itself was a kaleidoscope of colors. He quickly backed up as water lapped at his hooves. Whatever was going on between the human wizards and the sea witches was not letting up.

Eridan was awake again when he returned. He had propped himself up against the wall and was idly picking at some scabbing on his shoulder. “All clear, right?” he asked, looking up.

“Do not pretend I should understand the context of what you are asking,” Equius said.

“…you turned a nice color while you was out there,” Eridan said. “It can’t still be goin'. Those bi--“ he paused, like it occurred to him that they could be listening, “--attractive female magic usin types, they haven’t let up?”

“The sea has calmed down,” Equius said, taking the towel off his face. “But it is dangerous to breathe.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Eridan groaned and slid to the floor. He was unable to take anything in stride. “Not that I’m not enjoyin' our lessons or whatever, but I gotta get back before they decide I’ve kicked it and claim all a my properties. What if this is as clear as it gets? Maybe I should risk it.”

“Neither of us is deriving any enjoyment from your lessons. So-called lessons. We are both agreed that you should leave.”

“Okay, but you don’t have to be so harsh about it,” Eridan lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Purple dripped down from the leak in the ceiling and hit his face. He just sighed, not even wiping away it away as it slowly trailed down his face.

“We need to look at this rationally. You should not leave yet, because you are not healed enough, but I would not stop you from leaving if the storm had stopped.” He came over and looked down at Eridan, sprawled out on the floor like a fresh catch.

“The storm’s never gonna stop.”

Equius nodded. “Agreed. You will need to travel up along the shore and see if there is a place where they haven’t touched.”

The light inside Equius’ home went dim and something splattered in through the open door. Equius hurried back over to close out the storm. When he turned around, Eridan had shifted back into a sitting position.

“You volunteerin' to take me?” he asked. They both knew Eridan couldn’t just stroll up the shore line. When he was healthy, he could probably make tolerable speed dragging himself with his arms, but as he was, he would just reinjure himself.

“I have no choice.”

"Well, no, I'd say you have a choice and you could just leave it alone, but I appreciate it anyway," Eridan said, shrugging. "But if you gotta be a dramatic somethin' or other, then okay. You'll help me out because I said so."

Equius found this idea unpleasantly appealing. He shivered. Yes, he liked this. He would only help this sea creature because he had been ordered to do so.

\----------

"I'm not puttin' that on," Eridan crossed his arms over his chest. "That's the end a this idea. It was nice while it lasted, thinkin' I might get to go home, but it's done."

"You have no idea what an honor it is for to be allowed to ride on my back," Equius said, slowly. He would not allow himself to get angry. He had spent an entire day building a saddle that would hold one of the mer comfortably, only to have it called "obscene."

"It looks like custom bondage gear and I'm not touchin' it," Eridan said, lifting his chin up. "I'll stay here and you can scout out the area all on your own."

"It looks like--" he got angry. "--It does NOT look like--like--" Oh, his blessed ancestors, did it really? He held it up. "The straps are to hold you on."

"Yeah, you know that and I know that, sure," Eridan said. "I guess I kind of know that, anyways."

Equius crushed the cloth in his hands. The material was supple enough that it did not break like any number of other materials would have.

"I mean, of course I get that!" Eridan corrected himself. "Well, it's not like anyone passin' us by isn't gonna wonder what the hell our situation's about and this way we can be pretty sure they aren't gonna stick their snouts in and make a scene about it."

"You are right. They will wonder what the huckleberry we are doing, regardless. If they mistakenly decide it is their business, well." He crushed the cloth in his hands, again.

"You'll turn 'em into butter. All right. Guess a brief humiliation's better than bein' stuck here like a beached whale forever. Bloated carcass all rottin' on the shoreline."

"Keep such mental images to yourself," Equius said. "And turn your head. I am going to dress."

"Oh, sure I--wait." Eridan looked up at him. "You've been naked this whole time, and I gotta look away because you're putting on clothes? Eq, what the hell? I'm all for cultural exchange, but whatever that's about is fucked up."

"I prefer not to be watched. It is not necessary to have a fit over every single request I make," he said.

"Stop makin' fucked up requests, then." Eridan turned away and looked at the wall. "What's with the need to cover up, though. I thought lettin' it hang out was part a the eternal dignity a the centaur soul, and coverin' up was bringin' shame to your ancestors and fellow herdspeople. Aren't they gonna be sheddin' tears over this? Like a single tear trailin' down the side a their noble visages, somethin' like that."

Equius frowned. "I will not cover up in my own stable, no matter how many times you complain."

"I get that, I was just--ugh, never mind. It's just beyond me." Eridan rolled his eyes at the wall.

"Clearly." He struggled into his clothes. "You may look again." He pulled a shirt on over his head. His lower half, the part Eridan found so obnoxiously disconcerting, had already been completely covered. It was customary and polite to cover oneself, usually with a simple coat-like garment, when you thought it possible one might run into humans or other creatures likely to be shamed by the superior centaur physique.

"Great, now I'm underdressed," Eridan said, annoyed. "I'm gonna be strapped bare ass to your back in some kinda creepy bondage gear while you're all done up like a gentleman. Give me a strip a cloth or somethin' to tie around my waist, at least."

Equius obliged him, once they had established that "ass" was not an appropriate word to use in place of "buttocks," and they headed outside. He carefully pulled Eridan up onto his saddled back and Eridan sat there, tail hanging down over Equius' side, trying to securely tie the strip of green cloth that he bitterly complained clashed with his scales.

The straps, once on, looked more like a seatbelt than like some kind of lewd sex tool. Equius was relieved. "If we continue along the shore for long enough, we will eventually leave the influence of the humans' tower."

Eridan leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Equius' neck. "Wake me when we get there, Eq."

Equius began to trot northward, letting the cool pink rain damp down his hair and change the color of his white shirt. Eridan's arms soon went limp and the only thing holding him on was the straps on the saddle. He snored gently into Equius' hair while Equius tried his best to pretend that the mer wasn't there. He was walking alone along the beach, enjoying the wind brushing against him and the warmth of the sun when it was out, completely free of the irritating buzzing of seadweller whining in his ears. His entire trip home would be like that. It was going to be exquisite.


	2. Chapter 2

Eridan woke up several hours later. The sun was burning the back of his neck, the rain long since stopped. “We finally get outta the storm?” he mumbled into Equius’ hair.

“Out of the storm, yes.” Equius stopped walking and looked up at the sky.

“I’m still so fuckin' exhausted,” Eridan said. He followed Equius’ gaze. There was an illusion distorting the sun, making it look like chunks were falling off of it and turning black as they fell.

“Is that one that’s in our brains, or is it in our eyes?”

Equius figured that it didn’t matter much, one way or the other. “Don’t use that word again.”

“What?” Eridan rolled his eyes. “God, whatever. Your horse stench is all over me now,” he said, sad. “And my tail’s all dried out and my ribs feel like you set me down at some point and trampled over me and I’m getting a headache and I think I'm kind a feverish. I’m probably gonna get some weird horse flu and die a it before we get out a the range a this tower and you’re puttin' up a fuss over some salty language.”

Equius closed his eyes for a second and pressed his lips together. Maybe he could throw Eridan out far enough out of the influence of the tower. He was surprisingly hardy, so he might survive the fall.

After he suggested this idea, Eridan fell blessedly silent again. Equius continued their journey, eyes on the water. Whenever it seemed like things were starting to clear, the sea would begin to boil and the sky would turn dark. They didn’t have anyplace to hide from it, so when it started to pour, Equius galloped until he found a place to set up a small camp out of the worst of it.

“Fuck my life,” Eridan said, wringing out the cloth he’d been using as a skirt.

“Excuse you.”

“Fuck you. I’m not talkin' to or bein' polite with some dick who’s threatenin' to throw me around like that.” He drew his tail up and wiped sand off his scales.

Equius rolled his eyes and carefully lowered himself down. “I will check your injuries.”

“No, go away,” Eridan said.

“You will let me check your injuries.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Augh, I am not doin' this again.” Eridan hid his face in his hands.

“So you will let me check your injuries.”

“God, just get it over with,” he mumbled.

Equius worked in silence, checking and changing Eridan’s bandages. He managed the process without brushing against Eridan’s skin and bruising him or wrapping a bandage so tight it cut off his circulation.

“Now get away from me,” Eridan said, and Equius quickly pulled away. “God, I can’t wait until we’re past all a this seal shit and I can go home. I don’t think I can even put into words how sick a you I am.”

“The feeling is mutual.”

“No kiddin'. If you weren’t such a passive aggressive horse’s ass about everythin', maybe--” The wind suddenly changed direction, blowing rain straight into their shelter. Equius hurried to get their space closed in, again, and by the time he was done, they had both lost track of the conversation.

They sat in silence until Equius nodded off, the wind screaming outside and cold damp air sinking into his bones. He woke up stiff and aching. Eridan was asleep nearby, head back and snoring. Equius didn’t bother to wake him up before picking him up and leaving, but Eridan woke up anyway, swearing and threatening violence. He fell back asleep a few minutes later once he was safely strapped to Equius’ back. Equius was starting to suspect the mer was ill, he was sleeping so much, but he was too tired of being around him and his lewd pottymouth to give a s***.

By the end of the day, they stood at the bottom of a tall cliff. Equius took a powerful leap and landed at the top of it while Eridan swore gracelessly at him for the maneuver.

By the end of the day, two days later, they were forced again to take shelter. The storm was unnatural, and they realized that they had yet to escape the boundaries of the wizards.

“Fuck this,” Eridan mumbled, into the hot drink he held in his hand. He kept shivering, and Equius wasn’t sure if it was from his illness, or if it was just that cold to him. He offered Eridan his coat, and when he took it despite the smell, Equius knew the mer must be even colder than he was letting on.

“Another two days’ travel would be nothing,” Equius said. “But I see no indication that their power is waning.”

“Two days, ten,” Eridan said. “Wish we’d just stayed in your stinkin' hut.”

Equius nodded. “This is pointless. We made an assumption. It was false.”

Eridan finished up his cup of hot leaf juice and slammed it down. “You know what? Fuck this again. I’m just gonna get a good rest and then risk it.”

“Calling you an idiot would be an insult to idiots,” Equius said.

Eridan flicked him off. “I’m open to suggestions. Here’s a tip--stickin' it out with you until I die a old age isn’t a real option.”

“Put your finger away before I remove it and put it away myself. As sick as the thought of touching you again makes me.”

“I was treated with more respect as a toddler. I’m basically a prince, compared to you--compared to even the highest member a your herd or whatever you call it, I’m a fuckin' full on king and master.”

“Fine. You can be an idiot and leave. I will even touch you long enough to bring you to the edge of the water. You will not insult the members of my herd in front of me. It is a simple concept. Attempt to grasp it.” Equius had been holding his own mug of tea. It was made of metal, so he couldn’t shatter it. So instead, it was crumpling in his hand like paper.

“I’ve already pretty much said I’d rather get myself killed by goin' back in the water than spend a second more with you, and you think you can threaten me breakin' your own cup? Now what the hell are you going to do? Drink outta your hands? I mean you call me stupid but look what you just did.”

Equius threw his cup aside and went outside, before he did something even more foolish than destroying his own property.

To his surprise, Eridan followed after him, pulling himself along with his good arm. “I thought these human witches was supposed to be all wise and powerful. Like they’re always writing about how you’re supposed to be responsible and not just spray your magic around like some bored teen jizzin' in the open waters.”

“You disgust me. But, yes. This is not usual behavior. Perhaps the sea witch they are sparring with is a genuine threat.”

“Not quite sure how fuckin' over everyone else other than that sea witch is gonna make her back down, but I don’t get witch logic most days anyway.” There was an edge of something--longing, almost--in Eridan’s voice. Equius recognized it, but did not understand it and did not want to ask.

“Yes.”

“Kinda want to just go to their palace and bang on the door and tell ‘em off, get ‘em to quit fuckin' with the entire goddamn coastline, you know.”

“Demand. Yes. They have crossed a line and forgotten their place.”

“And then a course I’d get turned into a rat and tossed over the side a their tower, but I’d feel pretty good while I was talkin'.”

“No, I think you were right before,” Equius realized. “There are certain rules to being a human wizard, just as there are for the magic weavers of my own people and the witches of yours. They are disrupting the order for the sake of some vendetta.”

“Of course I’m right,” Eridan said, “Thanks for noticin'. But it doesn’t do us any good, now, does it?”

“These particular humans have no reputation for disrupting order to any greater degree than is usual for their kind,” Equius explained.

“So they flipped their shit, is what you’re sayin'? Maybe we should just keep ridin' even if it takes a month to get outta their, uh, sphere a influence.”

“No. That is not what I’m saying. Nor would I ever use such…excretable terminology. It is possible they simply forgot their own place, due to the natural weakness of their species. We could politely remind them.”

“And then get turned into rats and thrown off the side a their tower,” Eridan said.

“Possibly.”

“Or zapped with magic lightnin' right through the heart so there’s just a gapin' hole there we can look at for a second before we die.”

“Also possible.”

“Or they could--”

“Yes, I’m sure they could. I will get out my map and plot a new course.”

“You aren’t serious,” Eridan said, a note of despair in his voice.

“I am always serious.”


	3. Chapter 3

The tower was too high to see the top of it, even from a great distance. It speared the pink clouds that swirled around it. Up close, Equius got the impression of great height, and though he tried to calculate its size in hooves, he was unable to fully grasp it. Its height was magic and not bound to logic or reason or even the normal physical realities of construction. He was disgusted and attracted to it in equal measures.

"How long we gonna stand here and sweat over how big the flippin' tower is, Eq?" Eridan asked. "I mean, I get it. It must be a big deal seein' somethin' even more gigantic than your own unmentionables, but I'm startin' to get creeped out here. If you've gotta do somethin' to it before we can move on with our lives, at least dump me off your back before you get started."

"I don't--it has nothing to do with--" he paused, and cleared his throat. "I am just impressed by the feat of engineering. Or I would be, if it had been built by something other than magic."

Eridan frowned, "You know, you're right? I'd be impressed if it wasn't magic."

Equius stopped at a set of ominous dark purple wooden doors. He noticed a sign at about eye level for him.

_Tower of Psychobable*_

The asterisk did not actually lead to anything, he noticed. It appeared to be there just to point out the misspelling. 

"That looks like it's supposed to mean somethin' but no one got around to figurin' out what," Eridan said. 

Under the sign, there was a brass door knocker shaped like the head of a aged male wizard. Equius took the wizard by the beard, drew the beard up, and then banged it back down again. He left a slight dent in the metal. He thought he heard, though the door, the sound of a gong going off several times. Well, they knew someone was there. 

A line appeared on the sign, letter by glittering letter.

_Questionants* Questants * Questioners Enter_

"Guess that's us," Eridan said.

"I don't need to hear your every inane observation, mer," Equius said. He immediately regretted his harshness. Eridan was obviously nervous, and hadn't even ever agreed to come here. But Equius was also nervous, and still annoyed with having to deal with Eridan, and wasn't inclined to apologize. 

The doors started to open, and he backed up to give them space before stiffening his shoulders and trotting inside. 

"They're gonna slam shut behind us," Eridan said. A minute later, the doors shut behind them of their own accord. "And no matter how hard we try, we won't get 'em open. Even with your freak strength." 

Equius didn't reply, but he agreed. There was no point trying to exit until they had spoken with the creatures who had been causing them so much trouble. The pair of pastel obsessed wizardresses clearly loved theatrics, and would not allow them to leave. It was the wizarding way. 

So neither of them tried to open the doors. They advanced, and Equius did not look back. 

Flickering candles lit with pink flames led their way to a spiral staircase. Equius winced at the sight of all those stairs, but as he watched, a portion of it turned into a much easier to navigate sloping incline. It even had slats to keep him from sliding back down. 

"There'd better be some magic trick to this," Eridan muttered by Equius' ear. "There's no straight walkin to the top a this place, not if we had a month."

"It is probably set up like a gauntlet," Equius suggested. "There will be levels where we are tested, and then when we succeed we will be rewarded by being transported higher."

"A gauntlet? God, are you serious? I could do a number on a six headed chimera if I was in the water and I had my harpoon, but I ain't gonna be useful for shit like this, you know that."

"I am used to your helplessness."

"Oh, shut up."

"It was not an accusation. Just a statement."

"Oh. Oh, okay."

"It might not be that type of gauntlet." Of course, if it was the other kind--the type where you solved increasingly difficult puzzles--Equius still did not expect much help from Eridan.

They came to an archway, the room beyond obscured by fog. Equius plowed right through it, and they came into a huge open room. The fog cleared as soon as they entered the room, and the light was bright natural light, even though there were no windows. Directly in the center of the room, a pool of clear water glittered in the unnatural sun. 

"This is too nice," Eridan said. "I'm expectin' a tentacle shark to start flailin' outta the water any second."

"I don't see any way out, do you?" Equius asked. 

"It's probably underwater so we have to face Charybdis before we head on." He took a deep breath. "Look!" Eridan yelled. He pulled himself up so he was sitting straight up on Equius' back. "This ain't us tryin to win a favor or prove somethin! This is just a neighbor wantin to have a word with you, personal!" He slumped back down into a more comfortable position. "Fuck anyone who wants to borrow a cup a seaweed from these humans."

Equius slowly circled the room, keeping his distance from the water. He found a sign on the wall opposite the archway.

_teh way up's in the water, dummy_

"No shit it is," Eridan muttered. 

_look guys I know it sucks but let Rosie hav* haver* have her fun_

"It's fine if you have no desire to meet with us personally," Equius said. "We can make our request right here."

_were all out f seaweed cups, muscles_

*of

fuck i hate writing on this sry

its hard enuf when im spbor

*sopor

*sobor

*sober?

"Yes, that's right," Equius said. "Maybe we should speak with your sister, if she hasn't been imbibing."

_thats what im saying_

anywai there aren't any monsters 

or charybdis or wev

itll just be gross and then ill get you hndsome guys a beer 

_*handsome fellows_

_and then you can chat wth rosie about your neighborly problems_

completely non fatal guantlot here i promise

Equius glanced back at Eridan, who just shrugged. One of the wizards being an alcoholic explained a lot, actually. They left the sign and walked over to the edge of the pool.

"I'll go in, see how deep it is and where the door's hidin, and then we'll figure out how to haul your horse ass through," Eridan said. 

Equius found himself irritated for the hundredth time about Eridan constantly referring to his body parts as "horse" what have you. He was a centaur. He did not have a horse's posterior--he had a centaur's noble backside. He did not have a lengthy and powerful horse phallus--he had a magnificent centaur cock. He was not a horse, any more than Eridan was a fish or the humans were monkeys. 

He unceremoniously dumped Eridan on the ground.

"For fuck's sake, Eq! I'm still half broken, remember?" He groaned and rubbed at his ribs. 

"I remember," he said. 

Eridan pulled himself into the water, the powerful muscles of his good arm moving the rest of his land-useless body without apparent strain. 

The water was clear enough that Equius could watch the mer spring into sudden quick motion, like he'd never before witnessed. Eridan shot straight down towards the bottom of the pool, towards some dark splotch that Equius could not make out the details of. He banged at it, uselessly, and then turned back.

As Eridan swam back to the surface, Equius found himself fascinated by the way the light reflected off his scales, by the strange biological machinery of the mer form. It was beautiful, seeing a body work correctly, at a task it was best suited for.

"Okay," Eridan said, popping his head up over the water. He pushed his wet hair out of his eyes. "Since it's magic, normally I'd say even with your muscles you couldn't break through that openin, but since it's a test, maybe you can."

He nodded. "I will go down and make an attempt, and then return to the surface while you see what is on the other side."

"Yeah, it don't work first try, just give up. This ain't worth drownin' over."

"Agreed." Equius approached the water, eyeing it curiously. There was an undeniable shimmer of magic about it, but it would have to be enchanted to even exist where it was. These wizards were good at what they did, and he wondered if this effort was worth it. They certainly felt justified in whatever it was they were doing, and who was he to question their actions?

He stepped into the pool, and felt a strange shock, like the painful tingling of electricity, shoot up through his hooves. His legs, normally so strong and sure, felt weak under him and he fell. The water seemed to rise up and meet him, and then surrounded him. It was cold and clean and when he gasped, instinctively, he breathed it in like air. 

He heard a series of unrepeatable expletives from Eridan, and there were arms around him steadying him and pulling him back to the surface. 

Equius coughed up water, expelling it halfway across the room with the power of his strong lungs. There was ground under him, again. It felt like the smooth pebbles near the shore of the pool. 

"That's the clumsiest--" and then Eridan cut himself off, gasping. His arms were suddenly gone around Equius' chest, and he had to catch himself on the ground to keep from tipping over. 

There was no pain, so he looked down to see why he was struggling to stand. "Holy crud," he said, not even noticing the unacceptable word as it slipped between his lips. His entire bottom half was gone--all his majestic muscular centaur flesh, disappeared at the touch of the enchanted water. In its place was a long tail covered in sparkling blue scales. 


	4. Chapter 4

Eridan was talking, and it was a few minutes before the fact that the noises coming from his direction were actually spoken words actually sunk through into Equius' baffled brain. 

"---higher life form, but this is just sealshit and I'm wantin' to have a word with one a these ladies about misuse a wizardin' powers. Oh, I get your weird test now, can we just skip the rest and move on with our fuckin' lives? I'm not goin' through there and findin' out--"

"Eridan," Equius said, finally coming back to himself. "Shut up." Eridan getting angry on his behalf made it easier to get over his own rage at the loss of his beautiful muscular body. "Pull me back into the water."

"But--"

"That wasn't a suggestion," he said. He looked at Eridan, again. The mer had come ashore as well, and hovered over him. It was a strange feeling, looking up at him. He tried to drag himself back into the water, but he accidentally crushed the pebbles in his hands and fell forward again. 

"Dammit," Eridan muttered under his breath. Equius didn't have it in him to berate him for it. He came closer and slipped his arms under Equius'. For a second, Equius was intensely aware of the feel of Eridan's chest, slick with water, pressed against his back. And then Eridan hoisted him up and threw him into the water. 

"Hey, wow, I feel like a thousand times better. I wonder if this magic water healed me up," Equius heard as he slipped under the water. "What do you think, Eq?" Eridan jumped in after him.

"What?" How was Eridan speaking so easily, underwater? Equius gently sunk to the bottom of the pool and rested there, on the pebbles. Eridan swam down after him.

"Look, it's not hard. You just gotta, I dunno, wave your tail."

Equius frowned in concentration, and attempted to wave his tail. His long, black, shiny centaur tail. One of the decorative looking fins twitched, slightly. 

Eridan grabbed his wrists and pulled him up, off the bottom of the pool, and towards the bright purple grated door they had landed near. 

"You're still pretty heavy even without all a that horse flesh," Eridan commented.

Equius concentrated on trying to move his leg, one of his back legs. His tail finally gave in to his will and he kicked. The overwhelming power of his muscles made him shoot forward, flinging head over fins, and Eridan was helplessly pulled along until he remembered he was the one holding onto Equius and let go. Equius spun off course and hit the stone wall next to the door, cracking it with his body. 

He sunk to the bottom of the pool, more angry than hurt. 

"That was pretty much idiotic in every way I can think of," Eridan said. "Let's just get this door open so I can pretend to be shocked when I get turned into one a your kind."

He pulled Equius in front of the door, and then got some distance between them. 

Equius gripped the door handle and pressed his other hand against the cracked wall. He turned the knob and yanked, and the entire door pulled out of the wall, along with a good portion of the stone. He still knew how to use his arms.

He was disappointed to see more water on the other side of the door. There was a dark tunnel that you had to swim up through, with bright pink handrails along the side.

"You know, this is all shit and all, but I feel great," Eridan said, swimming back over to him. "I think this water had properties other than the obvious, because my ribs feel like they unbroke themselves. Plus all the bruises you gave me ain't even there anymore," Eridan said, pointing to his arm. 

"Good for you," Equius said, annoyed. 

"So maybe this isn't a slog to hell for nothin', is what I'm sayin'," Eridan said.

Equius reached for the railing, and it of course immediately crumpled in his grasp. When he yanked, to pull himself forward into the tunnel, he pulled the entire railing down. So the walls of the tower were protected against his strength, so he could not just break through and leave when he wished, but almost everything inside it was susceptible. He attempted swimming again, and ended up upside down. 

"For fuck's sake." Eridan grabbed Equius' arm and started pulling him along after him. Equius tried to kick his tail to help, but each time he did they both ended up being flung against a wall or the floor.

They realized they were close to the next level when light started to filter down through the water. Eridan stopped swimming for a minute, and they both looked.

"It's beautiful," Equius said. Eridan glanced at him and saw the shimmering light flickering over his face.

"Yeah, sure," he said. His grip tightened on Equius' wrist and he swam up. 

The illusory sun was actually very warm when it hit them. There was a pebbled beach surrounding the tiny pond they emerged from. High grass, past that, blocked their view.

Eridan took a deep breath, grunted, and pushed Equius ashore. 

As soon as the sun touched every part of him, Equius felt his body start to change again. In a minute, he was standing on four hooves, his mane rustled by the strong wind.

"Yeah, that was disgustin' to watch," Eridan said. "I shoulda looked away, but it's like a ship crashin' into an iceberg. You can't take your eyes off it, can you?"

Equius ignored him, walking over to a small platform with a tablet attached to the top of it. There were words carved onto it. 

__

_hey congrats guiz_

"Eq, what's goin on up there?" 

He continued to read the stone tablet. 

__

_i bet rosies creamn all the teamwork wev goin on_

_this rooms the last trial i rpomise_

_*promise_

"There's another trial in this room," Equius trotted back over to the edge of the water. 

"No shit," Eridan said. 

"You might as well get it over with."

"Maybe I just feel like swimmin' a while, gettin' my fins some exercise. I feel amazin'. Like, it's almost worth all this psychocrap if they fixed my ribs and arm for me."

"Get out of the water."

"I got faith in you, Eq. You can figure this one out, all on your lonesome, right?"

"You're wasting time. It will require 'teamwork.' That is the point of this." 

"Eq I don't wanna be a horse, though," Eridan whined.

"Centaur."

"Horse-man-thing."

"Fish-thing. Get out of the water."

"You can't fuckin' make me!" He swam back to the other side of the tiny pond.

"No."

"I'm not gonna do it!"

"Yes, you are."

Eridan splashed him, in a fit of impotent rage. Equius let the water drip down his face, and didn't move. 

"Rrgh. Fine!" He swam back towards Equius and threw his arms onto the land. Pebbles rolled into the water and he slid down again. 

"You will enjoy it on some level, even if not outright or immediately," Equius explained. He walked closer to the side so Eridan could grab his leg and use it to haul himself up. "You will, for a brief moment, know what it feels like to be in a perfect, logical form. Not the body that a mentally incompetent wizard threw together."

Eridan threw a pebble at Equius. It hit him square in the middle of the forehead. He grabbed Equius' perfect leg and yanked himself onto the shore.

Equius quickly backed away. He wondered if they were wrong about what was going to happen here, what the strange wizard Rose had planned for them. 

Eridan's eyes went wide and he let string a series of increasingly pained expletives. His skin seemed to shift and distort, his scales falling away. Equius' eyes hurt to watch, and his head hurt trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

From the waist up, he looked mostly the same. His face was in his hands, and he continued to swear. Below that, his flesh turned to horse hair, purple. His hooves were golden colored, and his tail was black. He was slimmer than the centaurs of Equius' herd, more elegant in his shape. He looked like he was built to run.

Equius stared. He was beautiful. "No," he said, to himself. "Oh, no."


	5. Chapter 5

Eridan peered through his fingers. "I know, right? Ugh, gross."

Equius shook his head and forced himself to look away. "Your form is much less repulsive like this, actually. But, never mind. We need to find the way up."

"Sure." There was a long pause. "If I knew how to move this thing." 

Equius looked back. Eridan's face was screwed into a strange expression of concentration. Occasionally, his tail twitched.

"Move your legs."

"Wow, thanks. That'd be helpful advice if I'd ever fuckin' had legs."

Equius sighed and trotted over. Eridan was surrounded by a strange combined smell of fish and wet horse. "Even colts can walk," he explained. "As soon as they are born."

"Okay, but they aren't born after years a swimmin' to get around," Eridan said, frustrated. 

Equius tried to demonstrate walking, but watching didn't help. If he could move Eridan's legs for him, it might have given him some idea what had to be moved, but Equius didn't want to break those attractive new limbs by accident. 

It was twenty minutes before Eridan took his first few steps. He fumbled and almost fell over, and it did look amazingly coltish. Equius' mouth twitched, watching him.

"Oh no, you'd better not be laughin at me. Well, laugh it up, chuckles," Eridan said. He'd managed to make his way over to the platform with the wizard's strange writing. 

_now you got that mastered ur a handsom lookin horse fella_

"Yeah," Eridan rolled his eyes, "Thanks." He paused. "But, actually, all this shit aside thanks for healin' up my ribs like that. That was fuckin' genuine kindness and I appreciate it."

_np, big purple_

_sry im not md material i couldnt magicks away ur old scars_

_lik i thik u reopen them and then throw healin powers its way but i might axeidentaly give you an arm out ur belly_

_anywai theyre pretty sexy ;-)_

"No, wow, just what you healed is fine," Eridan said. "Now just how about you give us a hint how I'm gettin myself back in my natural shape."

_teamwork!!!!!!_

_haha sry i cant tell you it'd ruin rosie's day :(_

Eridan questioned her for a while longer, and then gave up as her messages turned into a series of near-unreadable letter splatters. 

"All right," Eridan said. "Not sure what I was expectin', there."

While Eridan had been speaking with the wizard, Equius had been carefully examining their surroundings. As far as he could tell, they were in the middle of a huge open field. Other than the area where they were, marked by the stand and the tiny pond, everything looked the same. 

He didn't want to go walking off in any direction. 

"Last time we had to go upwards," Eridan said. "I mean, we're inside a fuckin' tower, right."

"Except we actually swam down before we could go up. There is no meaning to any direction, here. It's all illusory."

"Gonna tear my hair out any second now."

"I suppose we should get some idea of the layout of the area," Equius said. 

"Or you should, since I can't take a step yet without one a these legs doin' somethin' it's not supposed to," Eridan pointed out. 

"It would be faster if I went alone," he agreed, "But I am positive we won't be able to escape here without each other." 

"But maybe it's like, you do your thing I do mine? Because I'm serious about not movin'. I'll like...investigate this area here, all right?"

Equius nodded. He started trotting off away from Eridan, through the high grass. He walked for a while, but the scenery didn't change. It felt good, the grass against his legs, the breeze against his chest. He was reminded of his home, with his herd. He broke into a gallop and ran at a good pace until the sight of something in the distance made him stop short.

Eridan was standing in front of him, staring off into the distance, in the direction Equius had disappeared in. The pond was there, the sign post was there, and the flattened grass where Equius had been standing was there.

Eridan turned when he heard Equius approaching. "Hey, how'd you get back there?" He moved with a little more confidence than earlier. 

"I traveled in a straight line, and ended up there," Equius explained.

Eridan groaned. "Okay, sure. See anything useful?"

"Just more grass and sky." 

"Can I give up yet?"

"No."

Eridan sighed. "Yeah, fine. Okay, what about we try a different direction? Like, I'm not talkin' you walking left instead a right. What about up? We're supposed to be goin' that way anyways. It's a tower."

"How do you actually propose we do that?" Equius asked. 

"I guess I can't climb on your back like this. Hm. Can you throw somethin, see if there's a ceilin?"

Equius didn't see any way that would work, but he had no ideas of his own. He went over to the pillar, covered in the wizard's nonsensical writing, and pulled it easily out of the ground. He held it back, the stone cracking in his grip, and flung it into the sky. In a second, it disappeared out of sight.

"I don't get why you gotta shoot a bow when you can throw like that," Eridan said. He was squinting, one hand shading his eyes from the bright sunlight. 

"No, you wouldn't," Equius said. They both waited a minute, for the object to come back into sight. It didn't.

"I feel like I shoulda learnt somethin' from that, but I got nothin'." Eridan sighed. "Okay, let's walk around again, see if I can spot somethin' you didn't."

At least Eridan had ideas, even if they seemed useless. 

Equius decided to show him the uselessness of the walk, following the path of matted grass that showed the direction he had gone before. Eridan trailed behind him, slow and careful, occasionally wobbling. After a much longer time than the original walk had taken Equius, they reached a sudden end to the matted down grass. Equius looked around, expecting to see the pond again, but off in the distance was just more grass and sky. 

"Wouldn't mind a break," Eridan said, misunderstanding why they had stopped. 

"No, keep going. I need to see something." 

They continued forward, with still no sign of the pond. Equius stopped. 

"Now I really gotta stop."

"I'm angry," Equius said, his fists clenched at his sides. "I'm--ngh...flitterygibbit, I am so miffed, I can't stand it." 

"Woah, woah, woah, calm down," Eridan said, pushing his sweaty hair out of his eyes. "After that outburst I don't want to hear you tellin me about my own language." 

"We are making progress!" Equius yelled.

"Uh, well--"

Off in the distance, an explosive sound sent a shockwave towards them. The grass went flat and then slowly raised up again before going back to gently moving in the breeze. 

Equius started to run towards it, but slowed down and waited for Eridan. There was no telling what would happen if he let them get separated at this point. They hurried at Eridan's fastest pace towards the sound. 

There was a crater in the ground a good distance away. They stood over it, confused and not looking at each other, until they gave up and trotted away. They were both slightly worried that something else would come careening down from the sky. 

Eridan shivered and hurried to his side, once they were out of sight of the crater. "You notice it gettin' cold?"

"It's darker than it was," Equius said. 

"You was angry before, remember?" Eridan asked. "What was it, got your tail all twisted?"

"I realized that we weren't looping around, because we were walking together," Equius explained.

"That's a little fuckin' literal," Eridan said. "We're still not goin' anywhere, though, even if we've been walkin' enough for the sun to set." He glanced at Equius. "You want to cut our losses, get outta here? All my snapped bones got snapped back into their rightful places."

"If we don't finish this," Equius said, "They might simply return you to the state you started in." He met Eridan's gaze. "Or leave you as you are, completely."

Eridan frowned. "Not that you'd be mindin', but I get your current."

"I don't understand your meaning." Equius stopped and looked up at the sky. The sun was setting, now, and everything was lit up orange and gold. The gold on Eridan reflected the light, and his hair seemed to make a fuzzy bright halo around him. He barely looked real. Equius wondered, idly, if the magic altering Eridan's body was making the light treat him strangely. 

"Current, you know. I'm goin along with your pull. I get your meanin. Uh..."

"No, I understood that," Equius said. "You were right. It is getting colder." They should start a fire. Eridan could rest, and they could both have a minute to think. 

"It's freezin, right?"

"We should find a space to make a campfire."

"It's all grass and---oh, fuck," Eridan said. He groaned. "I can't believe it. I'm a idiot."

Equius nodded. "What is it?"

"That crater, earlier. A course. I thought the witches were just tryin' to make us flip, but--"

Equius suddenly understood what had caused it, too. "Oh. Oh, yes. I am also a fool, this time." 

They walked while they spoke, and a minute later, Equius nearly tripped over and destroyed a firepit--nicely set up and waiting for them. There was a pile of wood and a firestarter sitting on a stone nearby. A short distance away, Eridan spotted some tents folded up and ready to be set up. He looked up at the sky. "Could go for a drink, too."

Equius found a small satchel full of food and a couple water canteens, a minute later. 

"You're a doll," Eridan said, still facing up.

"This is ridi--"

"Shhhh," Eridan interrupted him. 

Equius nodded. "You should set everything up."

Eridan went to yell at him, but stopped himself when he noticed Equius had accidentally torn off the top of the satchel when he wasn't looking. "This might make you piss a river outta shock but I've never felt the need to learn how to start a fire."

Equius frowned. "No campfires in the ocean."

"Weird, I know. Just never came up, all these years."

"I'll explain it."

He did, in precise detail, and Eridan managed to get the hang of it after several failed attempts and a full twenty minutes straight of muttered swearing. They settled, warming themselves in front of the fire.


	6. Chapter 6

"So, what'd you mean back there?" Eridan asked. He looked uncomfortable, with his legs folded up under him. "When you was askin' me what I meant."

"What did I mean, when I asked you what you meant?" Equius asked. He thought back, trying to figure out the tangled mess of Eridan's words. "When you said, 'not that you would mind,' I think you meant that I would prefer you stay a centaur. You're wrong. At this point it would be much more efficient for me to carry you, in your regular form. And you do not have the proper..." he considered, for a second, the best way to put this, "...carriage, to stay such a noble species."

Eridan rolled his eyes and tipped back the canteen, emptying the last few drops into his mouth. "Nah, you'd mind. I've seen you givin' me some glances. Glances bein' starin' straight at me for this whole fuckin' trek. Been ages since you've seen another horse's ass, hasn't it?"

There was an awkward silence, and then Equius cleared his throat. He went to say something, but there weren't any words waiting for him, so he closed his mouth again. 

Eridan put his hands in the air. "Not judgin'. Just statin' what's clear and obvious to anyone with workin' eyes. I'm probably pretty hot as a centaur, I don't know. I'm not bad lookin' in my right state so it probably transfers. Magic transfer a hotness. Makes as much sense as anythin' else."

Even now, Equius was staring at him. He couldn't seem to look away. It really had been a long time since he had seen another one of his herd, even longer since he'd seen another one of his species. Setting aside Eridan's claim of transferable hotness, the answer to the question "why do you keep staring?" was probably loneliness instead of lust. 

"Not judgin'!" Eridan protested, misinterpreting the look on Equius' face as anger. 

Equius finally forced his gaze away, towards the fire. "You are confused." 

"Okay, okay, sure, I'm confused," Eridan said, rolling his eyes. Equius felt him shift, still intensely aware of his body. 

Equius refused to reply.

"...anyway. Eq, I've been thinkin'," Eridan said, pausing to sigh, "I don't mind showin' you how to aim and shoot, like in general, but you've got yourself pulled even tauter than one a your bowstrings before it snaps."

"You get just as angry at me as I get at myself for my failure," Equius said. 

"Look, I'll admit--I've been in a pissass mood since that storm. I mean, I almost died, Eq, that's a big deal, okay? I can't do anythin' and I'm basically helpless stuck on land like I've been, I lost some a my favorite jewelry so I've got nothin' to cheer me up, and the one thing I should be able to do, teach you the basics a the bow, I'm suckin' dick at. I guess what I'm gettin' at is I'm sorry for bein' a tide spewin' shit-eel of a teacher and a friend I guess."

Equius was silent, for a minute. Then, "Oh. Yes, I am sorry for being a poor student."

"I think it's more you're incapable a bein' any better than you are and you won't admit it but I said I'd help and I'll do what I can. Maybe one a these ladies'll reward us with a unbreakable bow, or somethin'."

"That would be cheating. I thought you understood that."

"But that like...what even material is that, you're usin? Orichalcum?"

"It is a completely unenchanted metal," Equius insisted.

"Still, it ain't standard. Where's the line? I punch someone in the face boxin' with steel shoved inside my glove I get kicked outta the league." 

"The line is at magic," he said, frowning in irritation. "Magic is not respectable. Archery is respectable. Combining the two turns the one into a perversion of what it is supposed to be. The entire purpose of leaving my herd would be betrayed and discarded. I might as well decide to never show my face to them again."

"But--"

"No. Listen. What you are continuing to misunderstand is the purpose of my learning archery. All noble, high ranked members of my most noble race are also well regarded as archers. Historically, and currently." He paused, and some glaring counter examples amongst his herd rose to mind. "Generally speaking, I mean. It is also a useful skill, but since I do not eat meat if I can help it, and I am more likely to win a fight with my...other skills...the practical value does not concern me."

"Look, your family's hung up on that, like they won't respect you for somethin' like that, break some rocks in your bare hands, punch some bandits into paste, until they respect you for that. I don't know, learn to speak some obscure human language. You ain't an idiot, even when you act like it."

"They don't care!" Equius burst out. "This is not about what they are 'hung up' on! They are not the ones who--"

Eridan was wincing away from him.

He cleared his throat, and continued, quieter, "They are mostly disreputable, themselves. They act without regard to tradition or order, and fail to respect themselves or their own race. So I must show them the proper way to behave. But I cannot. The most basic, most traditional and respected ritual? It is beyond me because of my strength. It is unforgivable that this should be true." He had more to say, but couldn't find the words.

After the silence had started to become awkward, after Eridan realized that he wasn't going to say anymore, he reached over and patted Equius a few times on his side. "That sucks, Eq." 

Equius sighed. "Yes."

Eridan left his hand there, for a minute. "Want to know a secret? I mean, I know it's bein' broadcast so it's just between you, me, and like at least two other people, but hear me out."

"I am listening." He allowed himself to turn and look at Eridan again.

"Magic is this big fuckin deal in my own species right? So when I was a kid, I was all into it, but I had no skill for it so I just gave it up. It's embarrassing to think about now, but I remember what a huge fuckin' crisis it was givin up on the idea. It wasn't until I like decided I was gonna marry this girl that I got over it, really, and then that obviously was a failure, too. I got some idea what you're goin' through, and I know it ain't no picnic in a field a kelp."

"You wanted to be a...sea witch?" he asked.

Eridan laughed, once, bitter. "I wanted to be one specific fictional sea witch."

"Well, that is natural, for a child." 

"Yeah," Eridan said, shrugging. "I'm over it, now, anyway."

Equius wondered if it could be at all the same situation, if he was "over it." He could see himself becoming dully resigned, but that was not the same thing, not at all.

"And then I threw myself into huntin' trips with my dad and by myself and now I've got all the respect I could ask for," Eridan said. "Like, everyone respects the guy who drags in the head a the monster stalkin' your village's kids. All the way up the ranks, you get respect for that."

"I...appreciate what you are attempting to say," Equius said. The situations did sound similar, superficially, so he understood why Eridan would be mistaken. And he did appreciate the attempt to make him feel better. 

He asked Eridan to tell him some more stories about his hunting trips. They were always over the top and 90% grandiose lie, but he knew Eridan enjoyed telling them and he wanted to change the subject. He fell asleep listening to Eridan describe a solid gold crown he found in the stomach of a sea turtle the size of a human house.

\----

"Eq. Eq, open your eyes and get a load a this," Eridan said. 

Equius was irritated. He was supposed to be the one who woke up first, who was punctual and proper and ready to work. He opened his eyes.

"The fire, look."

The fire had burnt down while they were sleeping. Equius felt chilled and his bones ached. Obviously, Eridan had not tried to move him into a tent after he had nodded off in the middle of one of his elaborate made-up tales. He had just left Equius right there in front of it, where his hair could have been lit on fire by a stray ember. It was difficult to get upset with someone who had never had to worry overly much about fire safety. He shifted and realized that Eridan had at least tossed a blanket over him. 

"No one was tending to it. Of course it went out." But then he looked closer and realized that it had not just gone out. Where the fire had been, within the circle of stones, there was a deep hole he could not see the bottom of. A pink light was gently glowing, within it. 

Equius peered down.

"I'm not sure exactly what triggered this here," Eridan said. "Probably talkin' about our feelins'."

"That seems uncomfortably likely."

"It's too small to like jump in but I think I can reach that light. I just wanted you awake in case somethin' happened."

"I have a longer reach."

"Yeah, but maybe you'll break it, right?" Eridan was already reaching into the mysterious hole. Equius didn't stop him. The wizards testing them were perverse and terrible, but they had done nothing that actually physically hurt them. This wasn't that kind of gauntlet. 

"Hey, I think I got---" he broke off and yelped. He was suddenly being pulled into the hole, and despite the fact that he should not have fit, he slipped through, effortlessly. 

Equius also yelled, bellowed, really, and his hand snapped out and grabbed Eridan's golden hoof right before it disappeared. A force yanked on his arm and he was flying in after him. He glanced back and saw the sky disappearing above him. Eridan was screaming below him and everything was getting rapidly pink. 

Eridan hit the ground and Equius hit him, landing on top of him.

"Uurghhhh, oww, I think you broke my tail--foot--hoof, whatever, Eq, when you grabbed it. I can't feel the pain anymore but that's probably just shock."

"Shoot. I'm sorry--I acted without thinking."

There was a pause. "Or--it's moving okay. Weird, though. Uh. I don't think I'm your type anymore, but this doesn't feel right. Can you get off? Ugh. You're like a brick walrus." 

"I feel strange. I think I hit my head," Equius said. He needed to get off of Eridan, but he was worried about accidentally breaking him again, moving without care. He tried to open his eyes, but the gaudy bright pink wallpaper blinded him and he closed them again. He felt Eridan's hands on his chest, and he opened his eyes and looked down. Eridan was frowning at him, but his mouth twitched into a slight smile when Equius looked at him.

Gosh, Eridan had beautiful eyes. They were a ludicrous shade of purple that was probably common as mud for the mer. It didn't matter how common or rare they were. He felt incredibly warm, straight through.

"Eq..." Eridan winced and swore and pushed against him, shoving him off and onto the carpet. "There, I did it for you. Where are we? What the hell are we?"

Equius realized he had landed on his back after Eridan rolled him off. That was a strange position for him. He stared up at the ceiling, at a glittering crystal chandelier, afraid to look at himself.

"But we got clothes to go along this time." Eridan sounded cheerful, not the least bit upset about Equius' undoubtedly repulsive earlier closeness. 

Equius raised one of his arms in the air and examined it. He was wearing a blue suit, cut like a human would wear. Of course. 

Eridan, misunderstanding, grabbed his hand and then the other one and pulled him up into a sitting position. "This probably's a bit more natural for me. Like the basic shape's the same." 

Equius used his hands to prop himself up and made himself look at Eridan. Where his tail should have started, or where there should have been the handsome body of a centaur, he now had human legs covered with dark purple human pants. He glanced down at himself sighed.

"Yeah, I know. They think so much a themselves, right?"

"Neither of us has any experience walking like this."

A woman's voice broke in. "That's all right, you couple of handsome fellas." She slurred, ever so slightly. "Guys like you don't need to walk or talk to impress a girl."

He looked over, and saw a tall blonde leaning against a doorframe. She wore a fringed dress in a pink that was slightly darker than the wallpaper. 

She waved a wand in the air and his vision sparkled and his head spun. When he regained himself, he was still sitting, but in front of a table, in a human chair. Eridan was sitting next to him, and the woman was across from them. All sorts of food was spread out in the space between them.

"Congrats, boys! Like, sorry about the super lame meal last night but Rosie wanted a genuine camping spread. She'll be here in like a minute, two, tops. Until then I get to have breakfast with the two most handsome guys ever climbed my tower." She winked. "Have the wine, too, it's fantafstic." 

"I'm afraid I do not drink." This wasn't entirely true, but it was very much true that he did not drink disgusting human imbibements gifted to him by wizards. 

"I do," Eridan said. "Load me up."

"Eridan," he said. He sighed and let it go.

"You two passed all the trials and discovered the meaning of palship and so we're gonna grant you all sorts of wishes," she said. "Like, there'll be so many you'll run out of--"

"My dearest sister." Another woman walked into the room. Her dress was black and so long it touched the ground, and she wore a skull necklace made out of what looked like amethysts. She was also blonde, and had her hair cut in a similar style to her sister's. "I don't think we can manage quite that many wishes."

Eridan stared at her over his cup, and then spent an equal amount of time staring at her necklace. He shrugged and downed his drink. "So we passed, then? Why're we all human shaped, then? I figured it was another test a our...uh, friendship or whatever this was."

"This was a clinically designed series of challenges created to strengthen both you and your friend, psychologically. My sister, Roxy, decided to create the illusion that makes you human because she was convinced you would be--"

"Hot stuff," Roxy said. "I was right, too."

"I thought you would look the same, except with human legs." She shrugged. "I was correct. Rest assured, you will be returned to your standard forms before you leave."

"Thank you," Equius said. He was speaking with a master wizardess in her home tower, the point of her greatest power. He hated this form, considering it slightly better than being transformed into a slug monster and slightly worse than his experience as a merman, but he would be polite.

Roxy glanced back at Rose. "Hey, sit down, Rosie. You look like--"

"Please, don't," Rose said. "Not in front of the patients." She walked over and sat down next to her sister. Equius noticed, now, that there were dark circles under her eyes. She took a glass of wine and sipped.

"Sorry, guys, my sis--we've both been dealing with this huuuge hassle with the fish queen for ages now and we're worn out. We'll still do what we can, though, because you're like the first ones to ever come through our quest thing and it's been hellsa entertaining." 

"Who?" Eridan asked, raising an eyebrow. "The who queen?"

If it wouldn't have shattered Eridan's arm, Equius would have elbowed him, then.

"Oh, oh, sorry," Roxy said, "Shit, that was sooooo rude. I bet that's a huge insult, right? I'm so embarrassed." 

"I guess I've heard worse," Eridan said, relaxing.

"This is...actually why we are here," Equius said. "Your trouble with the mer Empress has caused a constant storm that has made it unsafe for him to return home." He nodded at Eridan. "Our...request is that you pause for long enough for him to leave."

"So that's what this was?" Roxy asked, "You hear that, Rosie? It's like I said they said. They're more like neighbors coming by to yell because our cats keep digging up their garden. Shit, you handsome guys didn't have to go through all of this stuff to ask for something like that."

Rose finished her glass. "Of course we will stop using our magic there. I had no idea anyone lived out in that deserted part of the beach, but I can see it now, the little hut you stay in. I am not all that incensed over injuring one of her soldiers, however, considering her ill intentions towards every species other than her own."

"Her intentions ain't that great towards us either but I won't hear you say a word against her!" Eridan said, slamming his glass down. "I'm a hunter, not a soldier, but she's still my glubbin empress and she's better than all a you land dwellin, filthy, mud ruttin--"

"Woah, now," Equius said. "How did you get drunk so quickly? Be quiet."

"mud...ruttin..." he was blearily looking from one wizard to the other. "...yeah, wow. Shuttin up now. Yeah, she's kind of a bitch but when you live in the ocean you gotta do as she likes, and that's as it should be, but..."

"You were shutting up."

"Yeah, shutting up."

"I should apologize," Rose said. "I had no idea a single glass of wine would have such a significant effect."

"It's all right, though, I mean I hate talking politics anyways," Roxy slurred. "We're here for wishes. Wishes for fishes and uh...forces for horses. Like, magic forces, working for you."

"I see," Equius said. "Well, if you have agreed to stop long enough for him to go home, maybe I should be going home as well." He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair. He wanted to get up, but that was impossible on these two meaty legs.

"First, we should discuss what we have learned in this session," Rose said. She pulled out a clipboard, possibly from some unspeakable magical void. Possibly from where she had been holding it all this time that he hadn't noticed. Possibly there was some horrific other possibility that he had not yet considered. He was worried that being human shaped was making him stupid.

"I learned a buttload about uh," Eridan paused, considering, "whatever it was I was supposed to be learnin." 

"Now, Mr. Ampora, I am not here to simply be told what you think I want to hear."

"Aw, it's so nice seeing Rosie havin so much fun, for a change," Roxy said, to Equius. "She's been so tense thanks to this empress clusterfuck she got herself tangled up in."

"Please do not use that word," Equius said, a little stiff.

"She thinks she's got plans with like a capital p, not just a tiny lowercase one like I have when I go to the icebox to get a soda or whatever. Rosie's probably right because she usually is because she's like whip smart."

"Thank you, dear sister, but you are whispering loud enough that you are interrupting my discussion."

"Empress has always got capital p plans," Eridan said. "She's all capital letters, like every inch a her. I've seen her, you know. I'm sorta a big deal, back in the ocean."

"We were talking about your relationship with your father," Rose said. 

"Oh, ugh, do we have to?" 


	7. Chapter 7

A few hours later, Equius stretched outside the tower. He flicked his tail and stomped his hooves. He had always been glad to have been born a centaur, but he had developed a new appreciation for it over the last day. 

Eridan lay on the ground, stretched out and flicking his tail, watching Equius. "That coulda been worse. Human wine ain't half bad even if drinkin' it on a empty stomach was a bad idea."

Equius nodded. "I can imagine numerous worse scenarios. It was a terrible idea to go in the first place, but I believe we both learned a valuable lesson."

"Don't talk to wizards."

"Or visit them, or spend any time in close proximity to them."

"Let's blow this joint and get me back to the shore." Eridan reached up towards Equius. Equius put his arm down and Eridan grabbed onto it. Equius lifted him into the air and Eridan got himself onto his back, from there. He wrapped his arms around Equius' neck. "I said I'd teach you the bow but I got too much waitin' back home for me to deal with. I'll come back and we'll finish up then, all right?"

"You really do not have to come back," Equius said.

"Nah, come on. What kind of a shit would I be, I didn't keep a promise like that?"

"Well...there is no need for you to rush yourself. Your...family, they must be worried." 

Eridan didn't reply immediately, and when he did, he sounded tired. "Yeah, maybe."

"Your friends, at least."

"If any kids broke into my stash while I was gone, I'm gonna be gone for a while showin' them the meanin' a pain," Eridan said. "Last time I was gone ages the place was looted and I had to have a long conversation with some parents about how they were raisin their kids to be proper finshits."

Equius started to trot, while Eridan was talking. "I see."

"The real good stuff I keep in--well, I can tell you, right, not like you can get to it yourself--a ship wreck I found ages ago. There's somethin like a mini-scylla livin in it so if any kids stupid enough to try and steal from me there, well, they'll learn a thing or two if there's enough a 'em left to learn anythin'."

"I see." 

Eridan told him about his treasure horde, while they walked. The day was bright and clear and there was not a single oddly colored cloud drifting in the sky. Perhaps the wizards would keep their promises.

Eventually, Eridan mentioned his house, where he lived sometimes and kept even more of his very precious treasures. Equius asked him about underwater architecture, and how it worked, and for a while was actually interested in what Eridan told him. 

It was a long walk to suitable water, and they both fell quiet after a while. Equius spoke up to ask if this stretch of water was acceptable or this one, and Eridan occasionally complained about being uncomfortable, and then they were silent again. 

\----

"Here. No, here is perfect," Eridan said. Equius set him down on the sand. 

The water lapped at Equius' hooves. 

"Come down here a sec," Eridan said. 

Equius obliged him, slowly getting down low enough to look Eridan in the eye. 

Eridan frowned and reached out, pushing Equius' hair out of his face. "You know, this is dumb, but I'm gonna miss you a little bit. I bet you can't say the same about me."

"I wish I couldn't," Equius admitted. Eridan was still touching him, his hand on his shoulder. He shifted, uncomfortable.

"So you feel the same," Eridan said. He put his other hand on Equius' arm. 

"I am not sure what you mean by 'the same,'" Equius said, slowly. 

"Well," Eridan said. He frowned and bit his lip. 

It was fascinating to watch. How did he keep from piercing his skin, with such a sharp tooth? 

"Well, anyway," Eridan said.

Anyway, what? Equius's eyebrows drew together in mild confusion. 

"I guess it's up to me. I mean, obviously."

"What?" Equius finally asked. "I have no idea what you are trying to say."

Eridan slid his hand up Equius' arm, onto his shoulder, and pulled himself up so they were nose to nose. "I guess meeting you wasn't as bad as all that, when you think about it." 

"Oh. Yes." His face felt hot.

Eridan kissed him, cool lips pressed against Equius' half-open mouth. After a few seconds, he pulled back and looked Equius over. He frowned and pulled himself even closer, so they were chest to chest, Eridan's bare chest pressed against Equius' damp shirt.

Equius reflexively pulled his arms back, frightened he would accidentally grab onto Eridan and hurt him. 

They kissed, again. This time, Eridan hung onto him for a while. He wrapped his arms around Equius and held himself up that way. 

And then Eridan let go, dropping back to the sand. He cleared his throat and looked down. "Anyway, uh, bye, Eq. I'll see you around."

Equius had no idea what his emotions were doing. He did not hate Eridan for kissing him, he was sure of that, but everything else was a indecipherable mess inside him. "...good bye. Please, take care of yourself."

"You too, all right? You could put a eye out, snappin' bows in half all the time."

Equius stood up. "Can you make it to the water by yourself?"

Eridan nodded. "Bye," he said, again.

He smiled at him, his harsh features softening. "Yes. Good bye, Eridan."

Eridan smiled back and pulled himself out into the deeper water. Once he could swim, he turned around and waved, one last time. Equius waved back, and then forced himself to turn his back and start trotting towards home. 

A few minutes later, he could not contain his curiosity. He glanced towards the water again. He thought he saw a flash of purple in the distance, but maybe he imagined it. He touched his lips and shook his head, amused at himself, before continuing back towards the shore where he and Eridan had first met.


End file.
